My Life is Okay…

April 4, 2010

My last blog entry was months ago. Why? Who knows? Distracted, busy, overwhelmed by daily life? There could be lots of reasons, and no reason at all. It doesn’t matter, I guess. Who cares, anyway? Certainly not me.

I’m back. And, I’m on task. For the first time in many, months I have a real office and I’m settled in. That makes a difference for me. The shinny things I see out of the corner of my eye too easily distract me. So, I need a physical space without shinny stuff. A space I can control—a space where I can find myself. I feel that I have that now. Finally, all settled in.

So, I was reading Divine Caroline, when I came across the next paragraphs in a story. I liked it—it fits me some of the time:

“There are days when we feel like utter failures, when everything seems off, when we feel like hazards to the people we love. There are days when we feel we should be recalled. That some big announcement should be made alerting the world to our resident flaws, declaring that there are grave dangers inherent in our very design, that we are not fit for our particular purpose.

But then, thankfully, there are days when this seems extreme. When our imperfections are but exquisite scars earned in the game of life. When the fact that we are trying, and trying hard, counts for something. More than something. When the fact that we fumble and stumble, constantly, artfully almost, is what makes things interesting. And real. And worth it.”

By: Aidan Donnelley Rowley (View Profile)

It’s all just ego anyway. “Coulda, shoulda, woulda.” I coulda been better, I shoulda been there, I woulda said the right thing… and on and on. It’s the ego yammering in the back of my mind that loves to take my brain and soul out onto the table and play the “coulda, shoulda, woulda” game to torment me and scratch away at my confidence. Ego does not like things to be as they are. It wants us all to feel lacking and confused and feel we should be “recalled.”

It’s so very easy to be at the effect of my ego in the winter months. I don’t do well in the winter. Not well at all. I’m longing for spring.

Today is not a day that I feel like I should be recalled because of defective design. Today is a day that whatever is happening in my life is okay.

Tomorrow, my office is being moved out for a few days, so the floors can be refinished. JB

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